• On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
    "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."

  • On an infant's bathtub:
    Do not throw baby out with bath water.

  • On a roll of Life Savers:
    Not for use as a flotation device.

  • On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
    Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

  • On a refrigerator:
    Refrigerate after opening.

  • On a disposable razor:
    Do not use this product during an earthquake.

  • On a handgun:
    Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

  • On pantyhose:
    Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

  • On a can of Fix-a-Flat:
    Not to be used for breast augmentation.

  • On a Pentium chip:
    If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for
    a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

  • On work gloves:
    For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

  • On a palm sander:
    Not to be used to sand palms.

  • On a calendar:
    Use of term "Sunday" for reference only.
    No meteorological warranties express or implied.

  • On Odour Eaters:
    Do not eat.

  • On a blender:
    Not for use as an aquarium.

  • On a fax machine:
    WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks.
    Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.

  • On a revolving door:
    Passenger compartments for individual use only.

  • On a microscope:
    Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

  • On children's alphabet blocks:
    Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

  • On a wet suit:
    Capacity, 1.

  • On The Washington Post:
    Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.

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