On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."

On an infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a roll of Life Savers:
Not for use as a flotation device.

On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

On a refrigerator:
Refrigerate after opening.

On a disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun:
Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On pantyhose:
Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

On a can of Fix-a-Flat:
Not to be used for breast augmentation.

On a Pentium chip:
If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for
a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

On work gloves:
For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a palm sander:
Not to be used to sand palms.

On a calendar:
Use of term "Sunday" for reference only.
No meteorological warranties express or implied.

On Odour Eaters:
Do not eat.

On a blender:
Not for use as an aquarium.

On a fax machine:
WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks.
Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.

On a revolving door:
Passenger compartments for individual use only.

On a microscope:
Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks:
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

On a wet suit:
Capacity, 1.

On The Washington Post:
Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.