QUESTION: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
ANSWER: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
QUESTION: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
ANSWER: Have sex once a year.
QUESTION: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
ANSWER: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
QUESTION: My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A- negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
ANSWER: Then the jig is up.
QUESTION: My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
ANSWER: Your therapist.
QUESTION: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
ANSWER: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
QUESTION: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
ANSWER: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
QUESTION: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
ANSWER: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
QUESTION: Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
ANSWER: Yes, your bladder.
QUESTION: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
ANSWER: Depends on what you're doing with them.
QUESTION: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
ANSWER: Cause you're fatter then they are.
QUESTION: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
ANSWER: So what's your question, dipshit?
QUESTION: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
ANSWER: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
QUESTION: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labour?
ANSWER: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
QUESTION: What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centrefold?
ANSWER: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's
good for him.
QUESTION: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
ANSWER: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
QUESTION: When is the best time to get an epidural?
ANSWER: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
QUESTION: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
ANSWER: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
QUESTION: I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
ANSWER: Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
QUESTION: Does labour cause haemorrhoids?
ANSWER: Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
QUESTION: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
ANSWER: In your breasts.
QUESTION: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
ANSWER: Yes, baby lips.
QUESTION: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
ANSWER: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
QUESTION: How does one sanitize nipples?
ANSWER: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
QUESTION: What are the terrible twos?
ANSWER: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
QUESTION: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
ANSWER: When you see teeth marks.
QUESTION: What is the grasp reflex?
ANSWER: The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
QUESTION: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
ANSWER: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
QUESTION: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
ANSWER: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
QUESTION: Do I have to have a baby shower?
ANSWER: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
QUESTION: What causes baby blues?
ANSWER: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
QUESTION: What are night terrors?
ANSWER: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
QUESTION: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
ANSWER: When the kids are in college.
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