1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

2. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 3 for you.

3. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, AND 6.

4. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and even what you want. Just stay on the line so that we can trace the call.

5. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully. A little voice will tell you which number to press.

6. If you are manic-depressive, it won't matter which number you press. No one will answer.