1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

  2. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 3 for you.

  3. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, AND 6.

  4. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and even what you want. Just stay on the line so that we can trace the call.

  5. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully. A little voice will tell you which number to press.

  6. If you are manic-depressive, it won't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

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