1. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

    "$50.00 for three questions." replied the lawyer.

    "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

    "Yes." the lawyer replied, "What was your third question?"

  2. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

  3. It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.

  4. There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.

  5. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux

  6. A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

  7. There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

  8. I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of character! - Michael Lara

  9. There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.' - Michael Lara

  10. Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

  11. Judge: Are you defending yourself?
    Defendant: Yes, your Honor.
    Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, the State may appoint you a lawyer.
    Defendant: I know, your Honor, but I don't want one. I plan to tell the truth.

  12. Lawyer: When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pirate!
    Client: Congratulations!

  13. What is worse than 50 lawyers nailed to the bottom of a garbage truck?
    Forty-nine lawyers nailed to the bottom of a garbage truck.

  14. What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
    Your Honour.

  15. What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?

  16. What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
    Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

  17. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
    Depends on how thin you slice them.

  18. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
    Professional courtesy.

  19. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
    Shoot him before he hits the water.

  20. Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
    No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

  21. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
    When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

  22. What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
    A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

  23. What's the difference between a baseball player and a lawyer?
    In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

  24. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

  25. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
    He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

  26. Why didn't the doctor pay the rent on his outhouse?
    He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

  27. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
    One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

  28. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
    From chasing parked ambulances.

  29. What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
    He was disbarred.

  30. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
    A vampire only sucks blood at night.

  31. Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey so many toxic waste dumps?
    New Jersey got to pick first.

  32. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

  33. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street
    together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
    Who gets it?
    The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

  34. What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
    About three pounds, including the urn.

  35. What's the difference between an lawyer and a dog?
    Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.

  36. How many lawyers does it take to pave a driveway?
    One if you drop him from high enough.

  37. How do you save an lawyer from drowning?
    Take your foot off his head.

  38. What do you call a busload of lawyers going off a cliff with two empty seats?
    A damn shame.

  39. What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
    A good start.

  40. Why do lawyers like smart women?
    Opposites attract.

  41. How do you know an lawyer is lying to you?
    His lips are moving.

  42. What do you do if you see a drowning lawyer?
    Throw in his wife and kids.

  43. Why are lawyers like laxatives?
    They irritate the crap out of you.

  44. What do you need when you've have three lawyers up to their necks in cement?
    More cement.

  45. What's black and brown and looks good on an lawyer?
    A doberman.

  46. How many first year lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    None - it's a second year project.

  47. Did you hear that lawyers have found a new use for sheep?

  48. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
    You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

  49. What do you do when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
    Get more sand.

  50. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    Cut the rope.

  51. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
    An offer you can't understand.

  52. Where can you find a good lawyer?
    In the cemetery.

  53. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
    The lawyer charges more.

  54. When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
    Because deep down, they are all nice guys!!!!

  55. A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
    The housewife replies, "Four!".
    The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
    The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
    "How much do you want it to be?"

  56. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
    It's called, Sosumi.

  57. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

  58. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
    "Do you serve lawyers here?".
    "Sure do," replied the bartender.
    "Good," said the man.
    "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

  59. Why did God invent lawyers?
    So that realtors would have someone to look down on.

  60. Lawyer's Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

  61. Did you hear about Robby Knievel's newest stunt?
    He will attempt to jump 1,000 attorneys with a bulldozer.

  62. How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking?
    Slam the toilet seat on his head.

  63. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
    God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

  64. What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
    The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

  65. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure?
    The bucket.

  66. What did the lawyer name his daughter?

  67. Where can you find a good lawyer?
    In the city morgue.

  68. If you have Hitler, Stalin, and a lawyer standing in front of you and you have a gun loaded with two bullets, who do you shoot first?
    The lawyer, twice.

  69. What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
    Nobody wants to hit a skunk.

  70. What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer?
    You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and murders off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.

  71. Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership?
    Cachem and Sioux?

  72. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

  73. How does an attorney sleep?
    First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

  74. How many lawyer jokes are there?
    Only three. The rest are true stories.

  75. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

  76. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
    His partners.

  77. What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
    His personality.

  78. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
    Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.

  79. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

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