From an actual newspaper contest. The entrants age 4 to 15.

  1. My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10.
  2. When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5.
  3. I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
  4. I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
  5. I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14
  6. I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
  7. It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
  8. As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
  9. Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10
  10. Home is where the house is. --Age 6
  11. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
  12. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5
  13. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
  14. I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13
  15. For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
  16. Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6
  17. The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
  18. Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15
  19. If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
  20. Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. --Angela Martin, age 11
  21. Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. -- Lisa Coburn, age 9
  22. Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. -- Nick Coleman, age 9
  23. Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. -- Bruce Wagner, age 13
  24. A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. -- Megan, age 14

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