I punched out my mother-in-law the other night and my husband keeps insisting that I apologize. I don't think I should apologize because she started the fight.
We started arguing about religion over dinner and drinks and tempers really were flaring by the time we finished our rum cake dessert. I tried to cool things off by changing the subject to politics, but she kept hammering me because I don't take the Bible literally and she does. She kept pressing me to admit that Noah put every animal on Earth in a wooden boat to ride out the storm. She kept pressuring me to admit that Jesus was the product of a virgin birth. She kept pressuring me to admit that Satan is blood red and carries a pitchfork. I consider myself a good Christian lady, Dotti. But I'm human and can only take so much guff. Finally, I got tired of her lip and punched her stupid lights out. When she regained consciousness, she threatened to come back and shoot me and stomped out of the house. We haven't spoken since then, but she told my husband she'd forgive me if I apologized. But I shouldn't be the one to apologize because I'm in the right and she's in the wrong. Right?
-- Gail in Utah
Who am I to pass judgement on a couple of boozers like you especially since The Good Lord is bound to do it for me when you croak ... and He sends the two of you straight to Hell!
My 8-year-old son was injured in a car wreck last year. Because his face was scarred, the insurance company wrote a check for $2,000 to keep us from suing. I figured it would be a nice down payment for his college. But his daddy thought otherwise -- and spent the money on a new set of golf clubs for himself. I tried to stop him, but he said, "Back off! He's my son so that cash is mine!" Now I feel like the world's worst mother because I was too weak to stand up for my son. What do you think? My husband insists he had the right to spend the money because our son is a minor.
-- Betty in Mississippi
The same law that gave your husband the right to blow your son's money on golf clubs gives you the right to pop him upside the head with a seven iron anytime you like. Aside from that, why the hell did you accept $2,O00? A disfigured 8-year-old is worth $2 MILLION -- $5 million if the little runt used to be cute!
All my friends told me not to get cozy with a lady locksmith and now I've got nothing but trouble on my hands. First, let me say I'm a one-woman man and I expect my gal to be a one-man woman. To make sure she's toeing the line, I make my woman wear a chastity belt so I won't worry about her doing something she shouldn't when I'm not around. The chastity belt worked fine in the past. But now that I'm dating a locksmith there's no way to tell what's going on. Every time I turn around, she's busted loose and for all I know, she could be loving it up with every man in town. She says she wouldn't even dream of cheating on me, but as we all know, words are cheap. She likes you and told me to ask you if you see anything wrong with making a woman wear a chastity belt. She said she'll wear it without complaining, if you think it's okay.
-- Bill in Minnesota
I don't see anything wrong with making a woman wear a chastity belt as long as you wear a strait-jacket. While you're at it why not stuff socks in your mouth, wrap your head in duct tape and sit on a hot plate --jerk!
I'm so lonely I could just die -- and it doesn't seem fair. As a handsome, well-built man of 29, I should have my pick of women. I make good money. And I treat women right when I find one to go out with. That's the problem -- almost every gal my age has been married and divorced. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't want anything to do with any divorcee. What do I have to do to find a girl who isn't divorced? And don't tell me it's not possible to find one, because my best friend sure found one. His little lady has never even thought about divorce!
-- Leon in Ohio
Maybe the girls just don't think you're as "well-built" as you do, short stuff. But since your best friend's wife is so great, wait until he turns his back ... and ask her out!
My boyfriend has the worst luck. His condoms always "fail" which puts me at risk of getting pregnant or catching some disease. I've told him to buy better brands, but he insists on the cheap ones from the vending machines. I mean, like, yeah -- they're red. But one of these days, I'll end up pregnant, and then he'll be sorry. How can I get him to wise up and buy condoms like the ones advertised on TV?
-- Ann in Iowa
I'll send you a life time supply of the finest condoms money can buy after you swear to get your tubes tied and do everything necessary to eliminate every conceivable chance you might accidentally breed!
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