CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF TRUSTEES

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound -- Is more powerful than a locomotive -- Is faster than a speeding bullet -- Walks on water, and gives policy to GOD.

PRESIDENT OF THE COLLEGE

Leaps short buildings in a single bound -- Is more powerful than a switch engine -- Is just as fast as a speeding bullet -- Walks on water if the sea is calm and talks with GOD.

DEAN OF THE COLLEGE AND PROVOST

Leaps short buildings with a running jump and favorable winds -- Is faster than a speeding BB -- Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool and talks with GOD...if special request is approved.

DEAN OF STUDENTS

Barely clears a quonset hut -- Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive -- Can fire a speeding bullet -- Swims well and is occasionally addressed by GOD.

DEAN OF ADVISING

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap small buildings -- Is run over by locomotive two out of three times -- Is not issued ammunition -- Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury -- Dog paddles and talks to animals.

DIVISION/DEPARTMENT CHAIRPERSONS

Runs into buildings -- Recognizes locomotives two out of three times -- Is not issued ammunition -- Can stay afloat with a life preserver and talks to walls.

FACULTY

Falls over doorsteps when entering buildings -- Says, "Look at the choo-choo" -- Wets self with a water pistol -- Plays in mud puddles and mumbles to self.

SECRETARY

Lifts buildings and walks under them -- Kicks locomotives off the track -- Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them -- Freezes water with a single glance -- SHE IS GOD.


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