1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

  2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

  3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

  4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

  5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

  6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

  7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

  8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

  9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

  10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

  11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

  12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

  13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

  14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

  15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

  16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

  17. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

  18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

  19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

  20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

  21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

  22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

  23. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

  25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

  26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  27. Never miss a good chance to keep your mouth closed.

  28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

  29. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed!

  30. Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

  31. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

  32. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

  33. You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they're dead.

  34. All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

  35. If I can survive death, I can probably survive anything.

  36. Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

  37. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

  38. The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

  39. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

  40. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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