- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
- Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
- The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a `do it yourself' thing.
- The doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send the bill to her husband.
- The janitor's union called for sweeping reforms.
- In a bakery, buns usually play a small role.
- Two cannon balls got married and had BB's.
- Why do only 10% of men make it to Heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called Hell.
- Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
- What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
- What do you call a handcuffed man?
- How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
- What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
- What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
- What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
- Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
- Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
- Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practising to be men.
- Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilise one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
- What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
- How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals".
- What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
- Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
- What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
- How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
- Egotism is the ability to see things in yourself that others are not able to see in you.
- Whether you think that you can or cannot do a thing at your work, you're right.
- At night, the star nearest to the earth is not seen as it is, but as it was four years before.
- It's always an ill wind that doesn't blow your leaves over onto your neighbour's grounds.
- Selfish people have forgotten that old proverb about not being able to hold two watermelons under one arm.
- George Washington observed that democracy may survive if our elected officials can withstand the highest bidder.
- A farmer's life could be especially enjoyable if the weatherman would just cooperate.
- You don't need any collateral when you're about to borrow trouble.
- There are two times in life when we should not speculate -- when we can't afford to and when we can.
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