1. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

  2. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

  3. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

  4. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

  5. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

  6. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

  7. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

  8. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

  9. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a `do it yourself' thing.

  10. The doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send the bill to her husband.

  11. The janitor's union called for sweeping reforms.

  12. In a bakery, buns usually play a small role.

  13. Two cannon balls got married and had BB's.

  14. Why do only 10% of men make it to Heaven?
    Because if they all went, it would be called Hell.

  15. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
    To stop the snoring before it starts.

  16. What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
    Straight through the rib cage.

  17. What do you call a handcuffed man?

  18. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

  19. What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.

  20. What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
    Four guys watching a football game.

  21. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
    Big Foot's been spotted several times.

  22. Why did God create man before woman?
    Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

  23. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
    To keep them from grazing.

  24. Why do little boys whine?
    Because they are practising to be men.

  25. Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilise one egg?
    Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

  26. What is the difference between men and women?
    A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
    A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

  27. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals".

  28. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
    Telling you his real name.

  29. Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

  30. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
    A power failure.

  31. How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
    Two. If you slice them very thinly.

  32. Egotism is the ability to see things in yourself that others are not able to see in you.

  33. Whether you think that you can or cannot do a thing at your work, you're right.

  34. At night, the star nearest to the earth is not seen as it is, but as it was four years before.

  35. It's always an ill wind that doesn't blow your leaves over onto your neighbour's grounds.

  36. Selfish people have forgotten that old proverb about not being able to hold two watermelons under one arm.

  37. George Washington observed that democracy may survive if our elected officials can withstand the highest bidder.

  38. A farmer's life could be especially enjoyable if the weatherman would just cooperate.

  39. You don't need any collateral when you're about to borrow trouble.

  40. There are two times in life when we should not speculate -- when we can't afford to and when we can.

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