1. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

  2. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

  3. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

  4. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

  5. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

  6. Black holes are where God divided by zero.

  7. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  8. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

  9. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

  10. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

  11. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

  12. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

  13. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

  14. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

  15. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  16. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

  17. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

  18. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

  19. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  20. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

  21. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

  22. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

  23. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

  24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

  25. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

  26. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

  27. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

  28. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

  29. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

  30. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

  31. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

  32. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

  33. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

  34. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

  35. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

  36. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

  37. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

  38. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

  39. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

  40. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

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