- The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.
- Good times end too quickly. Bad times go on forever.
- Anything is edible if it is chopped finely enough.
- Nothing ever goes away.
- A fool and your money are soon partners.
- Things get worse under pressure.
- If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible way.
- After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
- The person with the least expertise has the most options.
- In a surplus labor economy, the squeaking wheel does not get the grease, it gets replaced.
- Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
- Law a.) Everything depends.
Law b.) Nothing is always.
Law c.) Everything is sometimes.
- People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
- Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
- If you take something apart and put it back together enough times, eventually you will have two of them.
- A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are wasted.
- Money can't buy you happiness -- but neither can poverty!
- When packing for a vacation, take half as much clothing and twice as much money.
- If you leave the meeting room, you're either volunteered or elected.
- An optimist thinks we are living in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is true.
- A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's forget the whole thing."
- If in the course of several months only three worth while social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.
- Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
- Eighty per cent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
- Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
- The Principle of Individualism. Everybody wants to peel his or her own banana.
- Necessity is the mother of strange bed-fellows.
- When storing something for future use, it is useful to remember where you put it.
- If it's good, they discontinue it.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- If you don't want to be lonely, stay single.
- Any change looks terrible at first.
- Good enough never is.
- There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
- Nobody notices the big errors.
- The three major precepts of life:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.
- Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
- Never invest in anything that eats.
- Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
- Never ask a salesperson if it is a good price.
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