1. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

  2. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

  3. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

  4. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

  5. Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

  6. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

  7. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

  8. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.

  9. When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

  10. I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburettor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "At the bottom of the lake."

  11. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

  12. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

  13. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

  14. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

  15. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

  16. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

  17. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

  18. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

  19. My girl friend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girl friends.

  20. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

  21. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

  22. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

  23. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

  24. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

  25. Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

  26. The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank -- the really big chunks always rise to the top.

  27. If you don't throw it, they can't hit it.

  28. There are some things that are impossible to know -- but it is impossible to know these things.

  29. Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.

  30. Anything in parentheses can be ignored.

  31. Nobody really cares or understands what anybody else is doing.

  32. If you hit two keys in a typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.

  33. Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it himself.

  34. Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.

  35. Only God can make a random selection.

  36. Expenditures rise to meet income.

  37. If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel of sewage, you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel of wine, you get sewage.

  38. Smile....tomorrow will be worse.

  39. The other line moves faster.

  40. You can't push on a rope.

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