1. A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

  2. A big enough hammer fixes anything.

  3. A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.

  4. A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.

  5. A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

  6. A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything.

  7. A computer's attention span is only as long as it's power cord.

  8. A conservative is a worshipper of dead radicals.

  9. A day without sunshine is like night.

  10. A fail-safe circuit will destroy all others.

  11. A fate worse than death: To be married alive.

  12. A feature is a bug with seniority.

  13. A fool must now and then be right by chance.

  14. A fool plunges ahead with great confidence.

  15. A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.

  16. A hug warms the soul and places a smile in the heart.

  17. A liberal is someone too poor to be conservative, and too rich to be a communist.

  18. A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.

  19. A penny saved is ridiculous.

  20. A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.

  21. A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.

  22. A phaser is the universal communicator.

  23. A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head.

  24. A single fact can spoil a good argument.

  25. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

  26. A social life? What board can I download THAT from?

  27. A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.

  28. A super computer is a machine, that runs an endless loop in just two seconds.

  29. A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification, until the resulting unreliability is intolerable.

  30. A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

  31. A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.

  32. A wise man has something to say, a fool has to say something.

  33. A wish is a desire without an attempt.

  34. According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

  35. Acting on a good idea is better than just having a good idea.

  36. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

  37. After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.

  38. After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

  39. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

  40. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

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