1. With exercise I've managed to work the fat from my stomach. It's all behind me, now.

  2. Too many people conduct their lives on the cafeteria plan -- self service only!

  3. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

  4. Nothing will make a guy fall on his face faster than hitting the ceiling.

  5. One thing you can still get for a quarter is five nickels.

  6. If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.

  7. Why is it that the easiest way to do anything is wrong?

  8. Practice makes perfect -- except when it comes to getting up in the morning.

  9. To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

  10. Just when you get to the point where menu prices don't matter -- calories do.

  11. The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

  12. All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list.

  13. If you live within your income you'll live without worry -- and a lot other things.

  14. The supermarket is where you spend thirty minutes hunting for instant coffee.

  15. Anyone bored these days is not paying attention.

  16. Just be glad you're not getting all the government you're paying for.

  17. Did you hear about the disoriented skunk who made no scents?

  18. Man is the only species who plants a crop he can't eat but still has to mow every week.

  19. A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.

  20. There are much more important things than money. The trouble is, they all cost money.

  21. An artist is what anyone can claim to be and no one can prove them wrong.

  22. The best things you can give children, next to good habits are good memories.

  23. An antique is something your grandparents bought, your parents sold and you bought again.

  24. The worst thing about the average man is that there are so many of them.

  25. When the average man becomes thoroughly acquainted with himself, he ceases to wonder why he has so few friends.

  26. The average man thinks he isn't.

  27. Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service and character.

  28. The man who longs for the good old days should try reading his book by an oil lamp.

  29. A folk singer is a person who gets rich singing about how wonderful it is to be poor.

  30. The happiest ending in the movies is when the fellow behind you finishes eating his popcorn.

  31. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

  32. Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service and character.

  33. Humility is the ability to look properly shy when you tell people how wonderful you are.

  34. To be humble to superiors is duty; to equals, courtesy; to inferiors, nobility.

  35. The best sense of humour belongs to the those who can laugh at themselves.

  36. It is when we forget ourselves that we do the things that are most likely to be remembered.

  37. Adolescence is the period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents.

  38. Most of us want other people's children to behave the way ours should.

  39. Too often an abandoned child is one who is still living with their parents.

  40. Infant prodigies are young people with highly imaginative parents.

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