1. Although inflation has hit almost everything, no one has offered me more than a penny for my thoughts.

  2. In the pink is the way you feel when you get out of the red.

  3. Honesty is a question of right and wrong, not a matter of policy.

  4. Marriage is the only union that cannot be organized. Both sides think they are management.

  5. Fishing is the art of doing almost nothing.

  6. The question is not whether man descended from the monkey, but when is he going to stop descending.

  7. Raise: the increase in pay you get just before going into debt a little further.

  8. Argument: two people trying to get the last word in first.

  9. I bought some oysters the other day and I found a pearl, so I broke even.

  10. You really find out who your friends are when your cat has kittens.

  11. Blessed are the ignorant for they are happy in thinking they know everything.

  12. A pessimist may not know what he wants, but he knows he'll never get it.

  13. Nothing cures insomnia like the realization it's time to get up.

  14. Old timer: the person who remembers when a bureau was a piece of furniture.

  15. For many the idea of poverty is a black and white television.

  16. Many people who have the gift of gab don't know when to wrap it up.

  17. Split second: That brief moment in time between reading the freeway sign and realizing you've missed the off ramp.

  18. Little girl to Scotsman playing bagpipe: "If you let go maybe it'll stop screaming".

  19. You're definitely at middle age when the phone rings and you hope it's not for you.

  20. I don't know why crab grass should be crabby. It's always winning.

  21. Happiness is finding your glasses soon enough to remember why you wanted them in the first place.

  22. Last week the beach was really crowded. I had to dive in six times before I hit the water.

  23. A key-chain is a device that permits you to lose several keys at the same time.

  24. These days children not only learn to talk early, they learn to talk back.

  25. One of the greatest pleasures from growing old is the freedom you enjoy from insurance salesmen.

  26. One advantage of living in the past -- it's cheaper.

  27. I've been feeding my dog garlic. Now his bark is worse than his bite.

  28. Times are bad when a penny for your thoughts is considered a good deal.

  29. Golf is a lot like taxes -- you drive hard to get to the green and wind up in the hole.

  30. The best place for the bathroom scale is in front of the refrigerator.

  31. The rush hour is when traffic is almost at a standstill.

  32. The conversation of a car pool usually concerns the dangerous driving of the person that is missing.

  33. What a fine world this would be if today we did as well as we expect to do tomorrow.

  34. If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean?

  35. There are a lot of things that money can't buy. For instance, what it did ten years ago.

  36. A bus is a machine that runs twice as fast when you're after it as when you're in it.

  37. Sympathy is two hearts tugging at one load.

  38. Buffet dinner: when the hostess doesn't have enough chairs for everyone.

  39. Anyone who thinks the younger generation isn't creative should watch a teenager build a sandwich.

  40. The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

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