1. Establish an emergency fund and you'll be surprised at how quickly an emergency arises.

  2. An auction sale is where you get something for nodding.

  3. Hope: Enjoyment of the future in advance.

  4. A bit of advice: Say nothing often.

  5. Bad manners are like bad teeth. Nobody knows you have them if you keep your mouth shut.

  6. With some people a clear conscience is nothing more than a poor memory.

  7. Computers are great. They make lots of mistakes, but when they do, it's nobody's fault.

  8. It's no longer just the principle of the thing. It's the interest.

  9. When you give a small child his first hammer, the whole world becomes a nail.

  10. A fisherman is a person who thinks a fish ought to bite on a fancy lure because he did.

  11. If it takes two to make a bargin, why is it only one gets it?

  12. The early bird gets the worm but only if the fisherman doesn't beat him to it.

  13. If a man's wife is his better half, and he marries twice, what happens to him mathematically.

  14. The quickest way to stop gossip is for everybody to shut up.

  15. Forbidden fruit is responsible for many a bad jam.

  16. Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

  17. A nickel goes a long way nowdays. You can carry one for days before you find anything it will buy.

  18. Silence isn't always golden -- sometimes it's just plain yellow.

  19. Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.

  20. When you go on a diet the first thing you lose is your temper.

  21. Midlife crisis is that moment when you realize your children and your clothes are about the same size.

  22. Blessed are the teenagers for they shall inherit the national debt.

  23. When we were young adults, we worried about bouncing checks -- today we worry that our bank will bounce.

  24. Old termites never die. They just live happily ever rafter.

  25. Good loser: An athlete who is capable of making reporters believe he enjoyed being beaten.

  26. Horse sense is usually found in stable minds.

  27. In the window of a skin-diving equipment shop: "We carry a complete line of under ware."

  28. Remember when a Saturday-night special was a double-dip chocolate soda?

  29. The only thing worse than a flooded basement is a flooded attic.

  30. The best way to locate a lost thumbtack is to walk around barefooted.

  31. When I meet my high school classmates I realize that I am a senior citizen.

  32. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, particularly when it comes to hangovers.

  33. A hair transplant is reseeding the receding.

  34. If you ever want to write something that will live on forever, sign a mortgage.

  35. Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

  36. It isn't the heat that's bad. It's the people who keep reminding us about the humidity

  37. The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time.

  38. Bachelor: A man who thinks a weekend is something you rest up in.

  39. The best way to keep from hitting your thumb is to have someone else hold the nail.

  40. The ultimate in status might be to have an unlisted zip code number.

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