1. Safety tip: if it's too close to bother to buckle your seat belt, it's close enough to walk.

  2. My husband keeps reading the marriage license searching for a loophole.

  3. Children would learn to write sooner if they were allowed to do their homework in cement.

  4. A pun is the lowest form of humour, especially if you didn't say it first.

  5. Chewing gum proves you can have motion without progress.

  6. With today's prices, it's no great thing to be known as a big spender.

  7. We can all profit by mistakes -- particulary if our competition makes enough of them.

  8. In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

  9. Even if you have a minute it won't be nearly long enough for the person who asks if you can spare one.

  10. When your back is to the wall there's no place to go but ahead.

  11. Many conversations do a lot of detouring before getting to the point of interest.

  12. Always keep your words soft and sweet -- just in case you have to eat them.

  13. The best time for you to hold your tongue is when you feel you must say something or else.

  14. A dollar saved today is seventy-five cents earned tomorrow.

  15. It is a pity, but owing to the pull of gravity, it takes less energy to open the mouth than it close it.

  16. People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.

  17. If fish were as big as stories told about them, sardines would be sold in garages instead of tin cans.

  18. A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something.

  19. Many a live wire would be a dead one except for connections.

  20. Opportunity knocks. Temptation kicks the door down.

  21. Integrity is what keeps you from looking ahead to see how the story ends.

  22. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

  23. Modern dances have developed by leaps and bounds.

  24. You're on the road to success when you realize that failure is merely a detour.

  25. I am so flexible I can put either foot in my mouth.

  26. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

  27. There is no such thing as temporary tax or permanent press.

  28. All of our lives we are urged to tell the truth, and then we discover that no one wants to hear it.

  29. No one can shake hands well with a clenched fist.

  30. Now that I've bought a microwave oven, I can burn dinner in half the time.

  31. When your back is to the wall there's no place to go but ahead.

  32. Nonchalance is the ability to look like an owl when you've acted like a jackass.

  33. Even though we didn't all come over on the same ship, we are now in the same boat.

  34. Man is the only animal who breaks his neck to save face.

  35. Forever is along time, but not as long as it was yesterday.

  36. Sign on a photo shop: Some day your prints will come.

  37. Some folks pursue happiness; others create it.

  38. Never trust anyone who says he's thirty -- and then shakes a container of milk before pouring it.

  39. You know something is wrong with the air when your tires start wearing out from the inside.

  40. A great way for a person to lose weight would be to place the handle of the refrigerator door about two inches from the floor.

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