1. A transistor radio is a small noisy plastic case with a teenager attached.

2. Always be tolerant with those who disagree with you. They have a right to their ridiculous opinion.

3. Middle age is that time when a voice in one ear says -- Why not? and a voice in the other ear says -- Why bother?

4. Would you say successful acupuncture is a jab well done?

5. Slander is like a hornet -- if you cannot kill it with the first blow, better not slap at it.

6. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

7. All I know about money matters is that money matters.

8. Always keep your words soft and sweet -- just in case you have to eat them.

9. Folks that blurt out what they think wouldn't be so bad if they thought.

10. By the time you find out what makes the world go around you're too dizzy to care.

11. A career girl is one who would rather bring home the bacon than fry it.

12. Just when you think tomorrow will never come, it's yesterday.

13. Experience helps, but somehow you never have it until just after you need it.

14. Safety tip: if it's too close to bother to buckle your seat belt, it's close enough to walk.

15. Laundry: A business that always has clothes competition.

16. Children would learn to write sooner if they were allowed to do their homework on wet cement.

17. We've just bought a country house, it has five rooms and a path.

18. Out of the mouths of babes come words that parents shouldn't have said in the first place.

19. With today's prices, it's no great thing to be known as a big spender.

20. An alarm clock is a small mechanical device to wake people who have no children.

21. In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

22. Even if you have a minute it won't be nearly long enough for the person who asks if you can spare one.

23. When your back is to the wall there's no place to go but ahead.

24. Many conversations do a lot of detouring before getting to the point of interest.

25. Children keep a family together, especially when one can't get a baby-sitter.

26. These days, it's quite incredible to think that the United States was founded as a protest against taxation.

27. Service while you wait is usually what the other fellow is getting.

28. Middle age is when you have learned to take care of your health and you intend to start any day now.

29. The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.

30. There are still a lot of wide-open spaces in this country, but the trouble is they are mostly surrounded by teeth.

31. An auction sale is where you get something for nodding.

32. Now there's a margarine for people over forty -- the middle-aged spread.

33. Sign in a music store: Guitars for sale, cheap -- no strings attached.

34. Did you hear about the two podiatrists who became "arch rivals?

35. If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.

36. Mason to Dixon: You gutta draw the line someplace.

37. Some are known by their deeds and others by their mortgages.

38. The exclamation point is disappearing; people aren't surprised at anything anymore.

39. If you want to avoid excitement, just live within your income.

40. Wedding invitations don't come right out and say it, but they mean "Your presents are requested."