- Any person with a valid Texas hunting license may harvest attorneys.
- Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
- Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove roadkill to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
- It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or aircraft.
- It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
- It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
- It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
- It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
- If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bounty on the pelt.
- Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
- It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
- Yellow Bellied Sidewinder----------------5
- Skinny-assed Ambulance Chaser-----5
- Silver-tongued Murderer Defender--10
- Hairless Civil Libertarian---------------7
- Horse or Cattle Rustler Defender----50
- Jack-legged Divorce Litigator -- No limit
- Honest Attorney-------------------Extinct
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