- She: "What did the doctor say?"
He: "He said I had to lose a couple of pounds."
She: "Just a couple of pounds? By the way, how often did he say it?"
He: "Oh, about 9 or 10 times."
- The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook.
- Teamsters Local 988 opened its brand-new meeting hall in Houston in August, to unfavorable reviews by representatives of locals representing construction workers, plumbers, electricians and other trades. According to a Houston Chronicle report, the Teamsters had the hall built with non-union labor because union work was too expensive.
- A little three-year-old was explaining the story of the Fallen Angels to his even younger sister.
"One day up in heaven God said to the angels, 'Pick up your toys.'
Some angels said, 'We won't.' And so God started hell."
- A visitor whose son was out scouting for a college to go to the next fall was impressed by a beautiful campus. The father turned to a professor who was showing them around and asked: "Just how many students have you here?"
The professor mused a minute and answered, "Oh, I'd say about one in a hundred."
- "Mr. Gray," The professor asked, "What three words are used most among college students?"
The student answered, "I don't know."
The professor responded, "Correct."
- Two friends sat outside the Post Office, each with an opened envelope in hand. The following conversation ensued.
"It's going to be an economical wedding."
"But I thought both families were wealthy."
"Oh, money has nothing to do with it."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, the groom's Presbyterian. His uncle's a Methodist minister. The bride is a Catholic. Her brother's a priest, and their mother is Lutheran. What could be more 'economical' than that?"
- A rotund friend, succumbing to pressure from his family, joined a weight-loss club. Well into the second week of his enforced regimen, he decided that he could no longer hack it. The administrator told him that the terms of the contract did not permit a refund.
"I'm not worried about the money," he said. "If you like, you can call it a donation and say that I wished to remain 'enormous'."
- Efficiency experts have even invaded religion, specifically the Catholic confessional. They tell of a church with a sign that reads: Express Confession -- for parishioners with six sins or less.
- A woman sat in the crowded waiting room and became engrossed in a magazine. When the nurse called her name, she found her leg had gone to sleep and she limped awkwardly in to the doctor's office. The doctor wrote a new prescription and two minutes later the woman walked briskly out into the waiting room again. As she put on her coat, she noticed another patient staring at her in astonishment. The surprised patient poked her companion and whispered excitedly, "See, Myrtle? I told you he is the best doctor in town!"
- An elderly lady was stopped by a policeman who asked her why she was driving 66 miles an hour in a 35-mile speed zone.
The lady replied: "But I saw a sign that said 66."
"Madam," the officer explained patiently, "That is the route number."
"Oh, goodness, Officer. Good thing you didn't see me on Route 119."
- Two yokels pooled their resources and bought a rather expensive bird dog. They then took their dog out of town to try him out.
An hour later one of the fellows said in exasperation, "I give up. I'm ready to shoot him."
His companion said, "Let's not shoot him. You throw the dog in the air one more time and if he still won't fly, we'll go and get our money back."
- "After surgery," the Doctor told the patient, "You can pay $500 down and $300 a month."
"But that's like buying a car," the patient remarked.
"That's right, I am," said the Doctor.
- A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. The motorist's lawyer made this point:
"Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over forty years."
- A country doctor met a patient whose check had bounced. Trying to be as tactful as possible, the doctor remarked: "By the way, your check came back."
With a smile and a drawl the farmer observed: "What a coincidence. So did my lumbago."
- A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train. When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much. He told our besotted friend: "Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation."
To which the drunk replied: "Don't tell me I'm on the wrong train again."
- Patient to doctor: "Doctor, it's mighty nice of you to come all the way out here to see me."
Doctor to patient: "Oh, don't mention it. I had another patient in this part of town, so I decided I could kill two birds with one stone."
- Janie was a stenographer, single and extremely eligible. One morning as she came into the office, she was all smiles. With a flourish she gave cigars to the guys and candy to the gals. Her co-workers were puzzled at these traditional tokens of a new arrival. Had Janie been keeping things from them? Janie allayed their doubts and fears by waving her left finger and displaying a beautiful diamond as she proudly proclaimed: "It's a boy -- 6 feet tall and weighing 180 pounds."
- A friend who teaches the first grade asked her class, "What do elks have that no other animals have?"
Little Bobbie answered, "Parades."
- For their evening prayer this family was learning the traditional Catholic prayer: Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be. World without end. Amen."
Everything seemed to be going nicely until Mama listened closely to hear five-year-old Betty pray her particular and decidedly feminist ending, which went like this: "WORLD WITHOUT MEN, AMEN."
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