- "Can people predict the future with cards?"
"My mother can."
"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."
- "Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done." - Andy Rooney
- A drunk stumbles upon a baptism service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Welcome, brother. Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Well, why not. Sure I am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?"
"No, I haven't!" says the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
- CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan.
- Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
- A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
- As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons and asked the aging birds... "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?"
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
- Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
- My husband and I took our two year-old daughter to the home improvement store. Madison got tired of walking so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."
- The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
- Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
- There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
- A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know -- Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
- Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
- One Sunday after church Mom asked very young daughter what the lesson was about. Daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts". Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming". Now it made sense.
- People want the front of the bus; back of the church and center of attention.
- Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.
- "Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world - there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
- A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
- A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean? B - BASIC I - INSTRUCTIONS B - BEFORE L - LEAVING E - EARTH
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