- An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time.
One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him: "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll teach you that you can't have your KATE AND EDITH, too."
- An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."
- A salesman was stating his qualifications for a new job.
"I have been very successful in every sales job I've ever had...I don't mind long hours...I can sell anything to anybody...and I really enjoy my work," he told the sales manager.
Then it was time for the sales manager to ask a few questions:
"Do you smoke?
"Do you drink?"
"Never touch the stuff."
"Do you chase women?"
"Goodness no! I'm a very happily married man with five kids."
The sales manager was highly impressed. "Just one more question," he said.
"Don't you have any bad habits?"
"Well, yes. Just one. I'm the world's biggest liar."
- Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.
"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly,... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:
"In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"
- Queen Elizabeth and the Pope were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.
The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope head-butts her.
- A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- YOW, OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
- Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first."
The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."
The audience silenced with gross anticipation.
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
- A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath he replied. " I think it's printed on the bottom."
- A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
- A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN."
- Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
- "Where's the English Channel?"
"I don't know, our television doesn't pick it up."
- A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
First she asked, "Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
He responded, "It goes moo."
The she asked, "Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
Alice replied, "It goes meow."
Next she asked, "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Her response was, "It goes baa."
Finally she questioned one last child, "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
She replied, "Er, it goes ... click!"
- On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
- "Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit."
"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.
"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."
"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."
"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."
"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favour I could do for you?"
"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."
- Three ropes go in to this bar, and one of them goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The Bartender says, "Listen here, we don't serve ropes in this bar so get out now or I'll throw you out.
The first rope goes back to his buddies and tells them what happened. The second rope gets so mad that he goes right up to the bartender and demands a drink. The bartender can't believe his eyes, "I told your pal that we don't serve your kind here, so get out!!!
The third rope gets an idea. He ties himself up in a fraid knot so he looks like a Mohawk. He goes up to the bartender and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Waadal it be?
The rope says, "Make it a double".
The bartender comes back with his drink and says, "Hey, aren't you one of those ropes?
He answers, "NOPE, I'M AFRAID KNOT!"
- A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?", his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken the boy explained. I'm looking for the seal."
- Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
Ever have one of those days?
- Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
- Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd - shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.
Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.
"That man's is persistent yonder," observed one of the natives, "Sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."
"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."
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