- A blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -- Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."
- The Shan of the local village was having strange lapses of uncontrollable fits, so he sent for the witch doctor to find the cure. The Shaman did his diagnosis and made up a potion to give to the Shan when he had his next fit. They waited for weeks and weeks, but the Shan seemed to be okay.
The Shaman continued to follow the Shan everywhere he went to administer the potion in case of a fit.
Soon, the time came for the Shan to lead his warriors into a battle with a neighbouring tribe. The Shaman, though afraid, went with the Shan to the battlefield, just in case the Shan should have a fit in the middle of battle.
Sure enough, as battle was joined, in the middle of the chaos, the Shan began having a fit. The Shaman ran out to aid the leader but was killed by a hail of spears.
So...the moral of the story is...
"Hang back when the fit hits the Shan"
- Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, a guy inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."
- A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had been merely listening to his walkman.
- A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How did you start a flood?"
- The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from on-lookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
- Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughter house in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
- A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
- A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say only two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say... "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here!"
- Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
- Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!
Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!
The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings of $20,000.
The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!
Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings.
Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"
"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest. "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites..."
- A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor just nodded. "Well, I can probably do that, too." He stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if these don't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."
- Guy buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, he can't get it to say a single word. He takes the bird to a vet for advice.
The vet tells him that the parrot's beak is too long to speak, but that he could file it down for $100.
"That's too much money," the guy says.
"Well, it's a very delicate procedure," answers the vet. "If I don't file enough, the bird still won't be able to talk. If I file too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.
The guy decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot.
The next day, the vet meets the guy on the street, the guy looking real depressed.
The vet asks about the parrot.
"Parrot's dead," the guy replies sadly.
"Did you try to file his beak?" asked the vet.
The man nods.
"And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"
"Naw, he was dead when I took his head out of the clamp."
- A guy was being sold a very cheap suit.
"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.
"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."
"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.
"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.
Two doctors happened along and noticed him.
"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."
"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"
- A very young couple, having limited funds, returned to her parents after the wedding for their honeymoon night. The next morning the family gathered for breakfast and lunch without them.
When it came time for the evening meal, the father asked of his wife and their 8 year old son, "Have any of you see the newlyweds?"
The mother replied she had not seen her daughter and new son-in- law. The bride's younger brother replied that he had seen his new brother-in-law about 10 PM when he stuck his head out the door and ask him if he knew where there was any Vaseline.
The parents, a little embarrassed, waited for the rest of the story. "Well?" the father finally said impatiently when the boy continued eating. "Oh," said the boy. "I couldn't find any Vaseline so I gave him my model airplane glue."
- A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating his guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" Inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "We looked, all right. But your client didn't."
- A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer, what's the hold-up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected so far."
The officer replies, "So far, ten gallons."
- Stock markets worldwide and especially the Internet software industry was shaken today by news with profound ramifications.
Signo Coelestis, an artificial intelligence (AI) company based in and owned by the Vatican State, has acquired the rights to the two most popular WWW browser programs, Microsoft Internet Explorer and Netscape Communicator. The deal was closed with the Pope's blessing.
The sellers in a joint statement announced, "We are happy to find our products in good hands".
Signo Coelestis will according to preliminary reports develop the two programs into a unified product incorporating the company's own (AI) technology for information flow quality control. This technology has already proven its worth in the successful JE- Suite software bundle.
Plans are being drawn up to release the next, unified version of Internet Explorer and Communicator on Easter Sunday in 2001 AD.
It will be called "Internet Excommunicator."
- Hear about the women who sent out fifteen hundred perfumed Valentines signed "Guess who?"
She's a divorce lawyer.
- A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.
She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.
She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.
A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"
She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"
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