- Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.
"He got this hare brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tyres from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years to life."
- Zack asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says Zack.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" Zack asks.
"Zack, I'd like a divorce," replies Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says Zack.
- There was a man who wanted a pet, but he didn't want a dog or cat, he wanted something unusual.. So he went to the pet shop down the road and spoke to the guy behind the counter.
"I'd like an unusual pet please" said the man.
"Ok, how about a parrot?" said the pet shop owner.
"Nah.." said the man "I want something *really* unusual!". So the pet shop owner said, "I have just the thing.. wait here." He went to the back of the shop and got a box. He brought it to the man and opened it.. inside was a caterpillar.
"What the hell's that?" said the man.
"It's a caterpillar" said the store keeper, "It's the most intelligent caterpillar in the world. It can do loads of things.. go on try it". "Mmmm" said the man, "Okay, but if it's rubbish, I want my money back!". Once agreed, the man took the caterpillar home.
Later on, the man was watching TV, and the caterpillar was just milling around on the floor. The man thought about the promise of the shop keeper and decided to test this really intelligent caterpillar, so he said "Caterpillar, get my slippers.." and in the blink of an eye, it was gone.. and returned seconds later with his slippers.
The man was amazed. He had never seen anything move so fast. He tried again and said, "Caterpillar, get my Cigs.." and the caterpillar shot out the room again and returned seconds later with his cigarettes. By this time the man was truly impressed, so he took the packet of cigarettes and opened it, finding there were none he said, "Caterpillar, here's a five pound note, get me some cigarettes from the shop..". He gave the caterpillar the money and sent it off.
Ten minutes later there was no sign of the caterpillar. Fifteen minutes, still no sign. Until he got up and went to look for it. He found the caterpillar in the hall and he said, "Good grief, fifteen minutes and you've still not got my cigs.. hurry up".
"Hang on said the caterpillar, give me a chance to get my boots on....."
- A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."
- A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.
As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.
The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and headed for the exit.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called out in a booming voice,
"Hey, Mister, what's your name ?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said,
"You guess, professor! You guess!"
- A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.
The patient answered, "My local General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time! Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
- A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter, Zelda. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, Zelda turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
- In the rest room, three guys were standing side-by-side using the urinals. The 1st guy finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows.... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Toronto and they taught us to be sanitary."
The next guy finished, zipped up and quickly,wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from Simon Fraser University and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The last guy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Saskatchewan and they taught us not to piss on our hands."
- There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied, "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
- When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had....you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation!"
- Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Zelda thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Zowie. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheer-leader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Zelda nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Zowie," she said. "This is where we came in."
- An unpopular parish priest was giving his final Sunday sermon. He told the congregation: "The Lord who sent me to you two years ago is now sending me to a distant parish. Thank you for everything."
A silence ensued for several minutes when the congregation stood up and sang with great gusto: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
- The family had finally gotten their first dishwasher. The father liked to inspect every new thing that came into the house, so he stayed in the kitchen and watched the display count down all forty-four minutes of the dish-washing cycle.
Suddenly he called out for his wife, shouting, "It's useless, the dishwasher is useless!"
The wife was amazed that the newest appliance could be broken after only one use, but he insisted that because they had a water softener, the dishwasher was useless.
She decided to look for herself, and there it was, on the inside door, next to the detergent dispenser:
"USE LESS WITH SOFT WATER"
- God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.
He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers and it was done. She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
- During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a weak voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
- A wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," replied the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
- Xavier and his mule were walking down the road when one of Xavier's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Xavier got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.
"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver, "His tongue's hanging out."
"Which way?" asked Xavier.
"Left," his friend said.
"Well, stay in this lane -- he's about to pass."
- A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.
The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"
The guy replies, "$150 dollars."
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the Boss, "Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?"
- Upon his visit to the doctor, Mr. Smith says, "Boy, ya know Doc, I haven't been feeling well lately."
"Really? Well, let's give you an exam," says the doctor.
So, after a rather long and thorough exam, the doctor tells Mr. Smith, "I'm so sorry Mr. Smith, but I'm afraid that you only have ten days to live."
"TEN DAYS!" cried Mr. Smith. "Ten days. My God Doc, isn't there anything I can do?"
"Well there is one thing you could try..." says the Doctor.
"Anything! Anything - what is it?" pleads Mr. Smith.
"Well, you could go down to the beauty parlor and get a mud pack every day."
Somewhat surprised by the answer, Mr. Smith replies, "Really Doc, will that really help?"
"Well no, not really," says the doctor. "But, it may get you used to the dirt."
- A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
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