Paleontologists -- WORDSEEK PUZZLE in PDF format 22K

ASSORTMENT OF JOKES #39

  1. The suave Central American diplomat was talking to the prim and proper Washington hostess.

    "In my country," he said, "the most popular of all activities is making love."

    Shocked, the wide eyed hostess said, "Oh! Isn't that revolting?"

    "No," the diplomat replied, "that's our second favorite activity."


  2. I heard that if you play the Windows CD backwards, you get a satanic message.

    That's nothing, if you play it forward, it installs Windows!


  3. A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

    "Sixteen," the boy responded.

    His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.

    "How do you know that?"

    "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


  4. After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

    "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

    "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."


  5. A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."


  6. A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

    How do you know what to say?" he asked.

    "Why, God tells me."

    "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


  7. A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


  8. After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

    Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"


  9. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

    "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

    "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.

    "But who's the fourth person?"

    "Oh, that's Pontius-the-Pilot.


  10. The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

    "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."


  11. A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!"

    A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.

    When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"


  12. Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'

    It worked.


  13. Johnson goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff around ."

    "We're short-handed, Johnson," snapped his boss. "I can't give you the day off."

    "Thanks boss," says Johnson, "I knew I could count on you!"


  14. Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."

    The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"

    The first one said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"


  15. Todd was arrested AGAIN and the detective was leafing through his crime history folder.

    "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault, forgery, sexual assault, manslaughter..."

    "Yeah, I know." said Todd. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at."


  16. A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"

    The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."


  17. Several nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The nuns took their habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.

    After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?

    The nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break!??!


  18. Several nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The nuns took their habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.

    After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?

    The nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break!??!


  19. The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly."

    On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"

    "Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."

    "And how is your son now?" he asked.

    "Who cares?" she replied.


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