- The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square.
The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.
Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza.
- A laywer is speaking to his son about ethics.
"Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay. The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand. Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills.
Now the ethical question: Do I share that money with my partner?"
- A rather cocky customer perched in the barber's chair. The barber remarked: "Getting a little thin on the top."
The customer quipped: "As the saying goes, 'Grass doesn't grow on a busy street."'
To which the barber retorted: "There's another saying, 'No sense putting a roof on an empty barn."'
- A family had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into a brand new house in a development nearby.
Very early the next morning, their 3 year-old son ran in to the parent's bedroom to wake them up.
The mother dressed him and told him to play in the yard.
About 20 minutes later, he came running back.
"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"
- This drunk was sitting at a bar. A middle-aged couple sat next to him. The drunk, as drunks often do, let out a tremendous belch.
The man growled at him: "How dare you belch before my wife!"
The drunk slid off the stool, made a little bow, and apologized: "I didn't know it was her turn."
- Some relatives stopped in to visit the new-born baby. Her six-year-old brother Billy hardly had the door open when he exclaimed: "Wanna see my sister?"
Into the nursery they were ushered where one of the ladies cooed: "Oh, she's beautiful. I'll bet she's already spoiled."
To which big brother retorted: "Naw, she's not spoiled. She smelled like that when they brought her home from the hospital."
- After spending three hours enduring the long lines, unfriendly clerks and ridiculous regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a guy stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought the gift, a baseball bat, to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash!" the guy snarled. After apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I'm sorry, I've just spent the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or, are you going back there?"
- Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not," said Fred, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"
- When my son was in third grade, his teacher asked him to spell "straight." He did so correctly.
"Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"
"Without water," he replied.
- Two G.I. '5 were swapping stories about their days in the service during World War II. Said one: "I was just a private but I told a lot of the big shots where to get off -- captains, colonels and even generals."
"Man," said his friend, "that took a lot of nerve."
"Not really," explained our private, "I was an elevator operator in the Pentagon."
- A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.
Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.
The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out,
- THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
- The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?"
One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time."
Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage."
- Remember the golden Rule!
Whoever has the gold, makes the Rules!
- The university students are rioting on the campus!
What's their beef?
Some dolt on the faculty suggested they attend classes.
- The king is a knif.
What's that to me?
It means we got lousy schools.
- A civil servant is badly hurt, after falling down the stairs at city hall. He is taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.
Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."
"Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"
- Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was large pile of apples. The nun made a note that said, "Take only one, God is watching."
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A little boy wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples!"
- In a Baltimore art gallery there is a prize winning painting. It was painted by a cow. Somebody had attached a brush dipped in various colored paints to its tail and the cow won first prize.
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