- I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?"
Two of the people got rather worked up.
One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"
- Two New York City social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.
"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten," he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague,
"You know the person that did this really needs help."
- Did you hear the joke about the man who went to the doctor's for a routine checkup. The doctor told him that he could examine him for a hundred dollars and the patient had to think about it before he replied, "O.K. doc and if you find it, I'll give you fifty!"
- An elderly couple who've been married for 60 years, walk into a lawyers office seeking a divorce.
Their lawyer says: 'Do you mind me asking -- why now?'
They reply: 'We waited until the children were dead.'
- A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
- After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
- I asked my friend how come he never got married. He told me that every time he found a girl his mother always found something wrong with her.
The first time he found a girl his mother liked the way she talked but didn't like the way she looked. The other time her mother liked the way she looked, but didn't like the way she dressed. Then he told me, "Last year, I met a girl up at the ski lodge and she dressed with the same style as my mother, talked just like my mom, had everything almost like my mother and I thought she'd truly like her."
"Well didn't she?" I asked.
"Yeah she did, but my father hated her."
- The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths together and cuddled.
As the night progressed, the new bride was heard to say quite excitedly a number of times, "I just can't believe that we're finally married, Dewayne."
After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the dark, "Dammit, Dewayne! Will you please CONVINCE her so we can all get some sleep?"
- An Italian, an Irishman and a Polish man, all first time fathers, are pacing nervously in a paternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding up a new black newborn.
"Yours?" she asked the Italian man, who immediately curses her out in Italian and says "No! notta my kid!"
"Yours?" The nurse asks the Irishman, who answers "It bloody well not be!"
OK then it must be yours", she informs the Pole, who sheepishly looks at the ground and mumbles "It must be, my wife burns everything!"
- When Art learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Art found the letter on his desk. It read, "Art worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
- The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application.
The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment, the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"
- My husband and I took our two year-old daughter to the home improvement store. Madison got tired of walking so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."
- The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
- A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."
- Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
- Awakened by screaming, shouting, and the honking of horns, a citizen rushed to the window to see a house down the street going up in flames. He rushed to the phone: "Hey, there's a fire down our street."
He gave the name of the street. Then he shouted: "I don't know the number." A pause. "No, I don't know who lives there." Another pause, and then our citizen shouts: "Hey, just get down here. You'll find it. It's the only house around here on fire."
- The crowded school bus pulled to the curb to make way for a fire truck, zooming and clanging down the street. The kids were entranced with the Dalmatian seated beside the driver.
"Why did the firemen have that dog with them?"
"To bark at the crowds and keep the people out of the way," answered one bright boy.
"I know why," said another, "He's there for good luck."
The argument ended when one lad insisted: "They use the dog to find the fire hydrant."
- A Boy Scout, being examined for advancement from tenderfoot to second-class scout, was asked to explain the mouth4o-mouth method of artificial respiration.
"Well," the boy answered, "First you take one hand and hold the victim's nose. Then with your other hand, you open his mouth and remove his bubble gum."
- The parish Mothers Discussion Club had turned, as they usually do, to the topic of relationships with their children. Among the active members was the mother of eight children. Someone asked her:
"How do you divide your love among so many children?"
Without a moment's hesitation she retorted:
"You don't divide. You multiply."
- Bill had often complained about his relatives to Jim, his buddy. One day they bumped into each other on the street and Jim asked: "How things going with your in-laws?"
"Well, you wouldn't believe it but my sister-in-law who hadn't spoken to me in five years calls every day. My mother-in-law has turned a complete flip; she even smiles when she sees me. In fact, the whole family is friendly."
"Great," exclaimed Jim, "What do you think made them change?"
Bill replied, "Maybe it's because I won the lottery."
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