- On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.
The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.
Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "
The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance."
- A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you also allergic to cats?"
The girl replied, "I don't know. I haven't eaten one yet."
- 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah....
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.....
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
- The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
- The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
- As the new minister in town was walking down the street, he saw a little boy straining every muscle to reach the door-bell. He realized the little guy would never make it, although he admired the kid's tenacity. So he walked up on the porch to help.
"Here buddy, need some help?" He lifted the tyke who rang the bell.
As he set the child down, the kid took off running and called back over his shoulder, "Run mister! Here come the lady!"
- The "dreaded" sex education talk...
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. She knew this day would come but had hoped not so soon. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl.... "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'!"
- A young man, on the way to visit his girlfriend in northern Michigan was caught speeding through one of the small towns just a few miles from his destination. The officer sauntered up to the car as the young man fished for his license and registration. With the hint of a wry smile across his face, the officer placed both elbows on the window of the car so he could get real close and spoke in a deep voice, "Son, I've been waitin' all day for you."
"Sorry officer," the young driver said. "I got here just as fast as I could."
- A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
- Sherry meets up with Jill as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.
Sherry asks, "Everything okay with your car now?"
Jill replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."
- A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
- An Irishman, by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
- Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
- The five-year-old was showing a kindergarten classmate the new weight scale in the bathroom. "What's it for?" the visitor asked.
"I don't know," the five-year-old replied. "All I know is, when you stand on it, it makes you very mad."
- An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, "When I am gone, I want you to marry Fred Uhland."
"Why Fred Uhland?" his wife asked. "You have hated him all of your life!"
"Still do," gasped the old man.
- A sadist and a masochist were put into the same jail cell and soon found out about each other.
The masochist cried, "Oh, hurt me, pinch me, humiliate me. Please cause me pain!"
The sadist looked at him and said, "No!"
- A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his office and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, " O.K. Tell him I can't see him."
- The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room bechanged."But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you donīt like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "It's on fire."
- A couple goes to dinner at an exclusive restaurant in London. The man orders a fillet steak, prepared rare.
The waiter asks politely, "What about the mad cow, sir?"
"Oh don't worry," answers the man, "She'll order for herself..."
- The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"
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