- A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom -- you just drop the y, and add ies," the daughter said.
- While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us.
Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one man "My wife."
- A man was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.
"Your finances are in terrible shape," the banker stated. "Your checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue."
"Yes, I know." said the man. "It's my wife, she is out of control."
"Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?" asked the banker.
"Frankly," replied the man with a deep sigh, "because I'd rather argue with you than with her."
- Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made. The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town: "PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."
- Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over lunch.
"I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
My Fred used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"Really, how?" asked the first woman.
"Easy, I hid his teeth."
- While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
- "When George Bush was asked if he had a mandate, he said, 'Of course not, I'm happily married.'"
- Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.
As they arrived safely, a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."
"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"
- A boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up during the lunch hour.
Everybody laughed uproariously, except for one young woman.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" he asked.
"I don't have to laugh," she said. "Friday is my last day working here."
- Dick Cavett: "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
- Lawyer: "Now would you please tell the Jury the truth - why did you shoot your husband with bow and arrow?"
Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the children.
- Dear Stockholder:
Records on file in this office indicate that you hold stock in the following companies:
Intermountain Natural Gas
In view of the current market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your can, hold your water, and let your gas go. Northern Tissue touched new bottoms today and thousands were wiped clean.
- I had just moved into a new apartment and was having problems with the mailman, who was delivering the previous tenant's mail to my address. Hoping to resolve the situation, I enlarged my name on the mailbox, but he still kept giving me the wrong letters.
Finally, I left a note saying that he was delivering the mail incorrectly. The next day I went to the box to find this addition to my message: "Sir, I am delivering the mail correctly. You're just living at the wrong address."
- A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four children under the age of five. "I want a divorce," she said.
"On what grounds?" he asked.
"Desertion, sir," she said.
"Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children, all crawling around their mother.
"Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then to apologize."
- For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older, You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
- A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"
- A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style. It makes your nose look long."
- Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening
- Man bumps into Bill Clinton in a Manhattan deli. "Pardon me", said the man. "O.K., but it'll cost you", replied Slick Willie.
- In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied.
"It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
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