- A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
- A inveterate optimist was heard to say as he fell past the 50th floor of the Empire State building, "So far so good!"
- The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.
- Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
- ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- The 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals agreed today to hear a motion filed by Southern lawyers who have decided to challenge the outcome of the Civil War. It appears that it was too close to call and the South may still have a chance.
Documents were found that support the fact that some people joined the wrong side. Apparently they weren't aware that their states were part of the South and they were fighting for the North. The line between the North and South was "just too confusing" for some. A recount of all the battles is being simulated with new populations via computer to see who would have actually won.
Right now it's just too close to call.
- My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter, Madison, to the home-improvement store.
Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders.
As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair.
Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on yanking away at his mane.
Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."
- Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.
"What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
- Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."
- One time when a daughter was home visiting her folks, her mom asked her to help prepare dinner. She opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" she asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.
"Is it working?" she asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 10 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
- Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
- An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer.
"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'
If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'
If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'
- I was taking a shower when my two-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look at it. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that, in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! This is one holiday greeting my family will never forget! (D.D. Duluth, Minnesota)
- Overheard at the water cooler: "The boss said I'd get a raise when I earned it. He's nuts if he thinks I'm going to wait that long!"
- A drunk came from a bar at two o'clock in the morning and promptly walked into the nearest light post. Unable to see straight, he felt the post carefully with his hands and proceeded to walk all around it three or four times, examining all sides of the post with his hands. Finally, he slumped down on the curb and buried his head in his hands.
"It's no use," he sobbed. "I'm walled in."
- A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
- The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
- A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor: "Please, tell my husband."
The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.
The 80 year old husband replies: "Which days?"
The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."
- Bush wins the election. He and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?"
She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off. Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE' ".
- Q: What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now?
A: Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!
- A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender: How much for a beer? The bartender replies: For you, no charge.
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