- Three guys are going to go to jail and each gets one request before they get put away for a year. The first guy says, "I want a year's supply of beer." So the guards give him his beer and put him away.
The next guy says, "I want a woman." So they give him a woman and lock him up.
Then, the third guy says, "I want a year's supply of cigarettes. So, they give him his cigarettes and lock him up.
A year goes by and the guards come around to let the three guys out. The first guy comes out totally drunk. The second guy says, "We're getting married!"
Then, the third guy says, "Anyone got a match?"
- When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
- A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.
Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him.
In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?"
In a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men, sir."
- Two opposing county chairmen were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
- These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer." Harry says, "How can you tell?"
George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."
- It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a little boy staring in at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," he replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
- Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
- A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
- American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
- A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage.
He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it".
- A window salesman phoned a customer.
"Hello, Mr. Brown," said the sales rep. "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment."
Mr. Brown replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months!"
- The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three?"
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
Little Johnny smiles and says, "A Jack."
- An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.' He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.'
Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".
- Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
- An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"
- A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
- Four men were cast adrift in a boat after their ship sunk: Al Gore, George Bush, Bob Dole, and Ralph Nader.
There was only enough food for one, so they decided to vote for the one who most deserved the food.
Al Gore won by eight votes.
- During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
- After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
- A man sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"
"I'll never understand women. The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."
"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."
"Well... I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."
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