- A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar." A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The rabbi leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off.
The relieved priest said, "Thanks. What did you tell him?"
The rabbi replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."
- A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.
"Jury trial," he replied.
"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.
"Sure," replied the defendant. "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
- A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"
A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"
- "I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
- The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
- Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "What do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself."
- "Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
- The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am -- a stunt driver?"
- A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
- One night at an economy motel, a guy ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, he awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.
"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, he let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6 a.m.!" he complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel."
- On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," the husband responded, "We could vacuum."
- A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
- A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
- An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.
The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
- A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram.
He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: "Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow."
The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."
"But," the dog responded, "Wouldn't that sound a little silly?"
- Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other. "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young, co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says, 'You can have ANYTHING YOU WANT!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
- A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
- The blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The Librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
- A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A minute later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
This goes on a couple more times over the next few minutes.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm a half mile past my stop already."
- Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died,"replied Timmy tearfully, "And I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Click -- Finlay's Funnies -- to return to main index page.