- As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
- A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"
"Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."
"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.
"First things first. Just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."
- Brian was startled to see the nonchalant way Chris was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man. "You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"
"I'm waiting," Chris said.
"Waiting for what?" asked Brian.
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow."
- While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
- A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.
"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.
He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.
"We put our TV away in the closet."
"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."
- Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A: Meat Patty.
- Woman: "How's your history paper coming?"
Man: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful.
Man: "Yes! So far I've located 17 people who sell them!"
- In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key."
The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle.
He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY."
- Jimmy's mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game. "Talk to your son," she said. "He refuses to obey a word I say."
The father turned to Jimmy angrily. "Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother. Do you think you're better than your old man?"
- A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "This is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
- A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guesswhere!"
- A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
- The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
- Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"
- A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
- Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
- Lil' Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big man like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Lil' Johnny.
- Q. Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
A. The Price Is Too Much.
- A blonde walked into a library and said, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispered, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
- Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. EVERY marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?!"
Click -- Finlay's Funnies -- to return to main index page.