- A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!
- A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"The same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."
- A new arrival about to enter hospital saw two white-coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "Have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an lawyer and we are looking for a suitable rock."
- After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her, "Admit it, Linda, the only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million."
She shot back, "Don't be ridiculous, I don't care who left it to you."
- Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."
- It was mealtime during a trip on a small airline in the Northwest.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in coach.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
- A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
- One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog.
The teacher asked if he was alive or dead.
The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."
The teacher say, "YOU WHAT?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'Psst!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
- One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"
- The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum. "I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said, "I think it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient replied, "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"
- A young pilot in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and being a general nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Any you can do, I can do better"
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this, hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
- A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship. "I'll say he is Daddy." responded the girl.
"Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with."
- A waiter brings the customer the steak that he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "Your hand is on my steak!"
"What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
- A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse," the man asked?
- The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said, and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
- The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
- My daughter was doing a project on 70's rock groups, and she asked me to name two of them.
"Yes!" I said.
"Who?" she asked.
"There you go," I replied.
- Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
- The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
- A man walks into the psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I keep having this recurring feeling that I'm going to shrink! What can I do?"
The doctor replied, "Now, calm down, you just need to be a little patient."
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