- A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
- The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene...
- A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
- Thieves broke into a new police station under construction and stole all the toilet seats. A police spokeperson said, "At the moment, we have nothing to go on."
- I heard this on the radio this morning.
You don't expect a one year old baby to be a crimestopper, but that's exactly what happened recently. A one-year-old was playing with the phone, and accidentally dialled 911. As with any 911 call, the police were dispatched. While they were checking the parents' identification, they discovered that the father had a Canada-wide warrant for his arrest on parole violations so they took him away.
There's one kid who won't get any birthday presents from his dad ...
- A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another.
The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally, they reached the ticket window.
"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
- The farm had been mortgaged to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say 'ain't'!"
- With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"
- "I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."
The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
- A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer...'"
- A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his office and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
- There is currently an anti-alcohol drive in the USSR.
The streetcar is packed with people. The driver shouts "Red Square." Some people get on and off.
At the next stop the driver shouts "Liquor Store." Some people get on but nobody gets off.
At the next stop the driver shouts "End of the line for the Liquor Store." Everybody gets off.
- Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
- One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
- During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
- A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
- College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "What, son?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father: "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it."
- A blond was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man.
The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"
The blond laughed and laughed! She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!
- The real purpose for a propeller on a single engine aircraft is to keep the pilot cool...
If you doubt this, watch him start to sweat when it quits...
- A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"That's the quickest way!"
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