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ASSORTMENT OF JOKES #26

  1. A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honour thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


  2. One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did I come from?"

    Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider.

    When Dad was finished, his son said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me.


  3. The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

    A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"


  4. At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

    "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

    "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

    "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"


  5. A lawyer walks into his client's cell on death row and says,

    "I've got good news and bad news for you."

    Client says, "Okay, What's the bad news?"

    "The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of execution."

    "Thats awful. What could possibly be the good news?"

    "THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I GOT YOUR VOLTAGE REDUCED."


  6. An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problem. He went to his doctor and the doctor provided him with a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. A month later, he went back to see his doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear so well."

    He replied, "O, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversation. Already, I've changed my will three times!"


  7. Dillard finished his police training and was inducted into the force. On his first day in uniform, he went to the department store where he used to work.

    "Look who's here!" his former colleagues showed. "OFFICER Dillard."

    One of them asked, "How do you like your new job?"

    "Well," Dillard said, "the hours aren't as good as they were here and the job is dangerous. But one thing I love is that the customer is always wrong."


  8. Here is a moral question for you.
    This is an imaginary situation, but it may be interesting deciding what you would do. The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed.

    Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

    If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President, what shutter speed would you use?


  9. A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

    "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

    "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


  10. A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

    "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

    "What do you mean?" he asked.

    "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"


  11. Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

    Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

    A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she Liked the coffee maker.

    "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand.

    Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"


  12. Grandpa Cartnell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

    "I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."


  13. Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

    Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

    "I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

    "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"


  14. During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

    He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted:

    "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"


  15. Our family held a reunion when my mother was 88 years old, with grandchildren and great-grandchildren attending. The talk turned to honeymoons, and my three daughters began to tell about their trips to Las Vegas, Chicago and Niagara Falls.

    One of my daughters turned to my mother. "Gramma, where did you go on your honeymoon?" she asked.

    Mother never hesitated. "Upstairs!" she said.


  16. Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

    Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

    "I have? A suppository?"

    He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."


  17. A sports commentator is reporting on the Olympics when he spies an athlete he hasn't seen before. He goes over to him and asks "Are you a pole vaulter?"

    The athlete replies: "No, I'm German -- but how did you know my name?"


  18. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

    One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"


  19. After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

    "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

    "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."


  20. REVENUE CANADA --- *T1-SIMPLIFIED - TAX FORM

    New Simplified Tax Form for 1999 Taxes
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    1. How much money did you make in 1999? $__________
    2. Send it to us.


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