Reality Shows -- WORDSEEK PUZZLE in PDF format 22K

ASSORTMENT OF JOKES #24

  1. An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

    In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."


  2. "George is SO forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

    Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

    "See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."


  3. An woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any chicken?" The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 lbs.

    "Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.

    The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows 3 lbs.

    "Marvellous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."


  4. Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

    "Give me your money!" he demanded.

    Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a U.S. Congressman!"

    "In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"


  5. The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

    Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

    A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"


  6. A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

    Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

    The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."


  7. "When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player.

    "So what do you do?" asked his friend.

    "I send him to MY room!"


  8. A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

    "I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

    "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

    "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."


  9. A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

    He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

    The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

    Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."


  10. A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting on the finishing touches on bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

    The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

    "What happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

    "It's even worse than that," the second man confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive."


  11. "Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

    The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

    "I push them away."

    "I see. What do you want me to do?"

    The patient implored, "Break my arms."


  12. "George is SO forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

    Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

    "See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."


  13. A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. Along came a woman, seeing the 2 cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what is their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."

    The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl." The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

    The woman scolded the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

    He replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."


  14. The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

    "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

    The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."


  15. Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

    "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

    "Really? How'd you do that?"

    "I dropped the ball."


  16. She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present.

    So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"


  17. Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a year later he was in court filing for a divorce. " Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said

    " Well, Your Honor," Dan started, " every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

    " Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

    " Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce."


  18. St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

    "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

    "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered -- unperturbed, "We've got all the umpires."


  19. A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

    "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

    "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

    Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."


  20. A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.

    The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"

    The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."

    "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"

    The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.

    "A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"

    "Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."


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