- A Chinese lady went to the eye doctor. He examined her and said,"Lady, you've got a cataract."
She responded, "No, I've got a Rincoln continentoo."
- After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
- One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
- On the way to preschool, a doctor left her stethoscope on the car seat. Her daughter picked it up and began playing with it.
"How cute," said the doctor-mom. "She wants to be a doctor like me!"
The little girl picked up the stethocope....."Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
- The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
- Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!
- A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."
- A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
- A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.
- At Dyess Air Force Base, the Airman on the switchboard in the Comm Center answered the "Military Affiliated Radio System" (MARS) with: "MARS Station, Airman [Smith] speaking."
There was as a gasp on the other end, then a woman's voice said, "Good Heavens! I must have mis-dialed. I didn't even know we had people stationed on Mars now anyway." And she hung up.
- There was a Texas lawyer who was so big...
How big was he?
He was so big, when he died they couldn't find a coffin large enough to hold his body!
So, what did they do?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox!
- The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said, "Men before anything more is said, I would like to clear up one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR ship."
From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Great! Hey guys, let's sell the damn thing."
- A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
- A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.
"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed."
- A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
- One day Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbour, seeing him there, decides to investigate.
"Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbour.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!'
- Q: Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car wreck? A: He's all right now.
- Chad nervously approached his girlfriend's father and said "Excuse me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you."
"Well, of course, young man!" the proud father replied. "You have my full blessing. My daughter's happiness is all I want."
"Blessing, sir?" Chad stammered.
"Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?" Mr. Scott said.
"Uh, no sir, that's not it." said Chad. "Actually, my car payment is due, and I'm a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I could borrow fifty dollars until Friday."
"Heck no!" yelled Mr. Scott. "I hardly know you."
- It is forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. A guy is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says the guy, "I'm flat broke this week." "That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says the guy, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
- Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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