- My Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. I asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"
"What's that got to do with it?" I asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
- "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
- A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
- The spaceship crashed, but the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields, and finally came into the city.
They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow, and then to red.
Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly, "Let's get out of here. If there's one thing I hate, it's a woman who's a tease."
- The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
- A Polish couple is on vacation when they see a sign that says, "Helicopter Tours, $200."
The wife says, "Isn't that a lot of money just to look around a helicopter?"
- A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
- The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
- A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."
- The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
- A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night. Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
- A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
- A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said,"I've lost my dad!"
The copper said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
- Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
- After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
- A man was driving down the LA Freeway with eight penguins in the back of an old station wagon when a Police officer stopped him and asked, " Why are you out here driving with those penguins in the back of your station wagon? Take them to the Zoo."
The next day the officer observed the same man. The penguins were all dancing with glee and wearing sun glasses. so he stopped the man again and demanded an explanation saying, "I thought I told you to take those birds to the zoo!"
Yes, Officer the man said, Yesterday I took them to the zoo. Today I'm taking them to the beach.
- In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
- The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."
"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman.
"Do you want to write your will?"
"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."
- Shawn was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"
- Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
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