- An optimist is someone who believes that a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
- A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought the Almighty had given him two feet. Without hesitation the son replied, "One for the brakes and one for the accelerator."
- An efficiency expert is a person who's smart enough to tell you how to operate your business, and too smart to start one of his own.
- A father of five was reading from the immortal words of Winston Churchill: "We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills."
"Hmmm," the man thought. "Sounds a lot like our last family vacation."
- The rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.
- The mother of two teenagers said to her friend, "I'm worried about my kids' failing eyesight."
"Oh, why is that?" asked the friend.
"My daughter can't find anything to wear in a closet full of clothes, and my son can't find anything good to eat in a refrigerator full of food."
- Two fathers at the club were discussing the daughters in their respective families.
"What do you think," said one. "Should I send my daughter to college or not?"
"Well, I'll tell you my experience. It may help you to decide. It cost me a thousand dollars a year to send Penelope to college, and it took her four years to capture a husband. I spent three hundred to send Alice to the beach for three weeks, and she came home married. I recommend the beach."
- A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre, who has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't find it unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"
- A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall:
$500 If we fail to fill your order!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
- A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."
- A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dog’s cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well" said the vet "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
- When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."Oh, I remember...."
- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
- When their train stopped briefly at a large station house in Canada, an American couple traveling cross-country by rail stepped onto the platform to stretch their legs.
Stopping in front of one of the locals lounging near a pile of baggage, the American asked, "What town is this?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," came the reply.
"Why don't you ask this next gentleman, dear?" the man's wife said.
"Perhaps he speaks English."
- A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Mom saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you can have the first chance being Jesus!"
- Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
- Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!"
"I don't know," George says, "What has your kid done?"
- A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
- A bear and a rabbit are pooping next to each other in the woods.
The bear says the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says "Why no?"
So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his butt with him.
- Some of the most tactful people on Earth are the English.
One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with:
"Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."
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