- Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"
- It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
- There once was a woman who was severely hearing impaired. She worked out an arrangement with the priest whereby she made a list of her sins and gave it to him when she went to Confession so that no one would overhear her .
One Saturday afternoon, after a very busy day, she entered the confessional and handed the list to the priest. Looking at the list he asked," What's this? It looks like a grocery list." The woman exclaimed in a loud voice, "Lord have mercy!" "I've left my sins at the Piggly Wiggly!
- Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
- Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going, boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know," the boy said. "And look what you got!"
- Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife".
- "How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
- At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed specially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Tommy, what's the matter?"
Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife."
- A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
- A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
- Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
- One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was acting up during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
- A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
- A four year old came home from his pre-school class excited to be learning about dinosaurs. He was telling his father about the "dinosaur egg" that the teacher kept in their classroom: "The egg is small, but it is really big."
"That sounds somewhat paradoxical to me."
"Oh, no!" said the boy, "We don't know what kind it is yet."
- A customer at a restaurant was unhappy with the way his meat was cooked. He summoned the waiter. "Didn't I say 'well-done'?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, you did, thank you. I very seldom get a compliment."
- "Children can bring a lot of happiness into a home," observed a friend of a large family.
To which the mother replied, "Yes, but most of the time they bring in stray cats, stray dogs, and stray kids."
- A traveller ordered breakfast at a diner in a small town. When the waitress brought his order, he noticed the toast was extremely well-done.
"Isn't that toast a little too dark?" the customer asked.
"Well," said the waitress, "That way you can scrape it any shade you want."
- "Mom, why does our minister get a month's vacation and Dad gets only two weeks?" a boy asked his mother.
She explained, "Well, if he's a good preacher, he deserves a month off. If he isn't, the congregation needs it."
- The editor of a town's newspaper was known for being stubborn and hard-headed.
"You always think you're right," an indignant reader told him.
"Can't you admit there are times when you may be wrong?"
"Yes," said the editor. "I remember one time when I was wrong."
"Aha! And when was this?"
"It happened once," the arrogant man said, "When I thought I was wrong but I wasn't."
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