- When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked Chris when he boarded.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."
- A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
- As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
- A lawyer fell overboard from a cruise ship and was last seen circling a school of frightened sharks.
- Daniel Wyman, apparently trying for the year's Stupid Award, dropped explosives into an Illinois lake to kill fish. The wind pushed his boat over the charge as it exploded, killing him.
- Man: "Doctor, I just came back from the specialist! He said I have major back and whiplash injuries!"
Doc: "What are you talking about? My examination showed nothing! What kind of specialist did you go to?"
Man: "My lawyer."
- "How is it you can't get a lawyer to defend you?" the judge asked the prisoner.
"Well, your Honor, it's like this... as soon as those lawyers found out I didn't steal the money, they wouldn't have anything to do with me."
- Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
- The monks of a monastery in southern England decided to do some renovation work on their building, but they were badly in debt and had no income. They decided to sell fish `n' chips to make some profit.
Their first customer approached one of the Brothers and asked, "Are you the fish fryer?"
"No," was the reply, "I'm the chip monk."
- After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
- Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.
His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an operation or something?"
Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public restroom, and I'm taking a leak, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, "Hey! Aren't you Sean Connery?"
- A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
- A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam. "Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes."
"So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?"
"What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is a zebra."
- The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning, with beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar?"
"There is," he replied. "I'd like some breakfast."
- Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
- A guy who is contemplating marriage tells the girl, "Before we get serious I want you to know that I'm an avid golfer. I play golf every minute of my life that I can. For instance, if you were hit by a car, and an ambulance was on its way to pick you up, and I had an appointment to play golf, I would keep my golf date."
She says, "I want you to know I'm a hooker."
He says, "Maybe you're not holding the club right."
- A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."
- Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
- A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man exclaims, "I don't have the hiccups! My wife does!"
- A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.
The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.
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