Hey Big Spender -- WORDSEEK PUZZLE in PDF format 22K

ASSORTMENT OF JOKES #17

  1. Three new bonds are being issued:

    Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
    Gore bond: Has no interest
    Clinton bond: Has no principle.


  2. A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.

    "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."

    "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"


  3. A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

    "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

    "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."


  4. A bum asks a man for two dollars.

    The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

    The bum said, "No."

    The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

    The bum said, "No."

    Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"


  5. In California, more than 600 lawyer hopefuls were taking the State Bar exams in the Pasadena Convention Center when a 50 year old man taking the test suffered a heart attack. Only two of the 600 test takers, John Leslie and Eunice Morgan, stopped to help the man. They administered CPR until paramedics arrived, then resumed taking the exam.

    Citing policy, the test supervisor refused to allow the two additional time to make up for the 40 minutes they spent helping the victim. Jerome Braun, the State Bar's senior executive for admissions, backed the decision stating, "If these two want to be lawyers, they should learn a lesson about priorities."


  6. A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

    "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.

    "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

    "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."


  7. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

    "Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."


  8. As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

    Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

    "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


  9. "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

    "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


  10. Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"

    The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."


  11. A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him.

    Lying in front of the car was a donkey.


  12. Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

    Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

    Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "Keep tightly closed."


  13. A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

    "Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"


  14. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

    Judge: And why is that?

    Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

    Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?

    Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.


  15. An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

    "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "When I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

    "Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."


  16. A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

    "I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

    The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."


  17. Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

    Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."


  18. A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

    As they watched from the passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.

    "Hey," the man announced to the technician, "It's open!"

    "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."


  19. "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.

    "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

    "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

    "He was the original owner!"


  20. A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

    "I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."


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