- Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end"?
"When it was over," Harvey replied. "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!"
- For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
- The Father, passing through the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.
Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.
"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah!", replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."
- Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
- 1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10.They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
- Benny Cohen was pulled out of the ocean by a lifeguard. His wife ran over sobbing, "Benny! Benny, what happened?!"
"Madam, please don't get hysterical," said the lifeguard.
"I'm just going to give your husband some artificial respiration and he'll be fine."
"What!" Mrs. Cohen yelled. "My Benny gets either real respiration or nothing."
- An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a honey beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
- God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.
He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers and it was done.
She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
- The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
- Cosmo: Doctor come quick I just swallowed my pen!
Doctor: I'll be right there. What are you doing in the meantime?
Cosmo: I'm using a pencil.
- A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
- Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
- Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb immediately to 4000 feet for noise abatement."
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 3000 feet?"
Tower: "At 4000 feet, you will miss the 707 now coming at you at 3000 feet, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket."
- "Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news", the doctor told his anxious patient, "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"OK", the doctor said, "Let's make it NINE months."
- A man suffering from severe jock rash was called from the waiting room by a Nurse. As she led him through the door, she said "Walk this way please."
"Young lady," he replied, "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need to see the doctor at all."
- After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary, "Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those people were feeling bored!"
The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake -- I gave you all three copies of the speech."
- A young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
"Can you identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk.
The young woman opened her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me alright."
- A drunk was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunk immediately responded, "Thank you, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."
- A guy about to be electrocuted phoned his lawyer from the death chamber.
"They are about to make me sit in the electric chair. You are my lawyer, tell me what do I do now?"
The lawyer thought for a moment and then said, "Don't sit down."
- Court scene:
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case.
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