- Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the damn difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!
- Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
- Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked this all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
- Current Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, goes by the nickname "Bibi". His wife, in contrast to most Israeli "first ladies", plans to take a more activist role in her country's affairs. Thus, it would be appropriate when the first summit conference is held between Israel and the PLO to have Mrs. Netanyahu introduce her husband to the PLO leader Arafat by saying, "YASIR, THAT'S MY BIBI"
- There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.
A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.
"Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk," said the hospitable old man. "But, I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."
"Oh!" said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, "Just how far is it to the next house?"
- A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
- A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines or 3 six's?"
- A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
- A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the road."
- A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"No," the blonde yelled back, "It's a scarf!"
- The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and asks her what she is doing and she says, "reading my book."
He tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she says she is not fishing. He says, "But you have all this equipment; I will have to take you in and write you up".
She says, "If you do that I will charge you with rape."
He says, "I didnt even touch you."
She says, "Yes; but you have all the equipment..."
- Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it, "Good for up to 20 pounds."
- A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a construction worker. They get into a conversation and the man asks him what he would do if he only had 5 minutes to live.
"Well, I haven't lived a very passionate life, so I suppose I'd kiss anything that moves," he answered. "What would you do?"
"I'd stand perfectly still."
- A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.
The wife pondered that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands."
He looked up and asked, "Come again?"
- It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt.
One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."
A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."
- Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
- Two blondes are walking down the street. One blonde finds a little mirror, looks in it, again, and again. Puzzled, she says to her friend, "I just know I've seen this face before!"
"Give it to me", says the other blonde. She looks in the mirror and says, "Of course, you silly! It's me!!"
- A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
- A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
- The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss," said the foreman, "Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
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