- A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
B. "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
- A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"
"Yes, it does," replied the rancher. "Do you remember that part in the Bible when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
"Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood," the visitor said.
"Well," said the rancher, "we got two and a half inches during that spell."
- Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."
- A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.
The wife pondered that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands."
He looked up and asked, "Come again?"
- If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
- A modest young lady had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence added to them, 'If you can read this, you're too damned close' embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes, madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"
"Braille!" she replied.
- A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention....."
- One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
- A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
- Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"
- My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
- McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.
"What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
- An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
- Three monks were meditating in the Himalayas to be away from the maddening crowds.
One year passed in silence and the first monk said, "Pretty cold here."
Another year passed in silence and the second one said, "You know, you're quite right."
Another year passed and the third one said, "Look, I'm gonna quit unless you two stop bitching!"
- A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
- Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
- A man approaches a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asks, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
- A travelling salesman finds himself stranded in the tiniest town in Australia. He knocks on the door of a little hotel. "Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager, "but you're welcome to share with a little red-headed school teacher, if that's okay."
"Oh, that'll be great," says the bloke, grinning from ear to ear.
"And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman."
"Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little red-headed school teacher."
- A blonde goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoohoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
- A woman was shopping in a computer discount store. She was looking for a bargain in a sub-300 MHZ model.
A salesman walked over and she asked why the obsolete models were all so expensive.
He replied, "Well, all of those models are very scarce Miss, you're lucky we even have any in stock."
"Scarce?" she said, her voice rising. "Why just today the paper says all of the manufacturers have an overstock."
"Exactly right." the salesman smiled. "There's such a big supply and so little demand, it doesn't pay to ship them."
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