- Eugene Sills went to see his attorney to make a will. When it was all done, he told the lawyer that he wanted only one more thing added....he wanted to be buried at sea.
"Buy why?" the lawyer asked.
"That's so my wife can be taken care of if she goes ahead with her threat to dance on my grave."
- Two blonde women in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blondes walked in the office and said, "I need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The blonde said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. She returned a few minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The blonde paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, she returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
- A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."
"But, where are all your cattle?"
"None have survived the branding."
- A young businessman was seated next to an elderly priest on an airplane. Having a minor technical problem at the gate and the flight being delayed, the Captain apologized and announced that the airline would be buying a free round of drinks.
When the charming and very attractive flight attendant came by, the businessman ordered a double scotch. Then she asked the priest if he would like a drink.
"Oh, no thank you," replied the priest. "I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."
Halting in mid-swallow and dribbling scotch down his front, the businessman quickly replaced his drink on the beverage cart and replied, "Excuse me, miss, I didn't know I had a choice."
- The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room got really quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
- It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.
The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" promptly slamming the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
- Two dyslexic skiers are arguing at the top of the piste. One is insisting that they zig-zag down the slope, while the other is sure that the correct term is zag-zig. They see a man approaching them and decide to ask his advice. "Excuse me," one says, "but we wish to ski down this slope, and don't know whether to zig-zag, or zag zig. What to you think?"
The man says, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you - I'm not a skier, I'm a tobogganist."
"In that case" says one "Can you sell me 20 cigarettes?"
- A chicken goes into a library, walks up to the desk and says, "bk, bk, bk." The surprised librarian hands the chicken a book. The chicken takes it and leaves.
Next day the chicken is back, hands over the book and says "bk, bk, bk." The librarian again hands over a book.
This goes on for a few days. The assistant librarian is very curious --after all, whoever heard of a chicken that reads--and decides to follow it.
The chicken crosses the road, goes down a lane, over a field and into the woods. The chicken comes to a pond and shows the book to a frog who is sitting on a log in the water.
The frog says "reddit!"
- Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?".
The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."
- A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
- A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:
Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?
Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.
Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?
Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don't mess around at those crematoriums.
- Three race horses were bragging about their race averages.
"I won 5 out of 20 races" said the first horse.
"Oh yea! I won 15 out of my 30" said the second.
"Hah! I won 50 out of 60" said the third.
Hiding behind a hay bail, a greyhound was listening in on the conversation. He steps into view and says. "Well I won 99 out of 100 of my races"
The third horse looks at the second horse and says "WOW!!....A talking dog!".
- Have you heard about the new deodorant called Vanish?
You still smell just as bad but nobody can see you.
- Once there was a boy named Odd.
Odd was the butt of jokes his whole life, because of his name, even though he grew up to be a successful lawyer.
When Odd was old and about to die, he said, "People have been teasing me my whole life, and I don't want them doing it after I am dead, so I don't want my name printed on my tombstone."
After Odd died, people saw his blank tombstone and said, "That's odd!"
- Dottie had finished doing some shopping and was on her way out of the department store when she noticed a disheveled woman in a worn jacket hurrying toward her and trying to attract her attention.
Since she always has been easy prey for handout artists and drunks, she hurried on out to her car. Only after she got home did she notice her wallet was missing.
Three days later it arrived in the mail, minus a single dollar with a note that said: "I charged you a dollar for postage and snobbery."
- "I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat."
- A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry, love," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
- Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
- Two snails were standing on the side of the road, a turtle stops and says, "Do you guys want a ride on my back"?
One of the snails takes him up on his offer and off he goes. As the turtle reaches the intersection another turtle comes along and crashes into him. The poor little snail was thrown and killed. A cop is investigating the accident and he begins questioning the dead snails buddy.
"What happened he asked".
The little snail replies, "I don't know it all happened so fast."
- A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.
'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.
The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.
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