- Actual transcript of an radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North, that's one five degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.......
- An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
- An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me?"
"Come on God, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
- Internal Revenue man, eyeing taxpayer's expense claims:
"Shall we go over this item by item, or would you prefer to chicken out right now?"
- I never realized that single females had it even tougher than us guys when a new boss takes over. I overheard one secretary tell another:
"The boss has had his eye on me all week. I don't know whether to act interested or busy."
- A woman left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said.
"Where was he?"
"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."
- Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in Atlanta.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
- A young man said to his girlfriend's father,
"I realize this is only a formality, but would you mind me marrying your daughter?"
"Who says it's only a formality?" asked the father angrily.
"Her obstetrician" replied the young man.
- A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit. editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read *Fred Brown died.*"
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, *Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale.*"
- When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep - like grandpa did. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
- Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip totheir local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why the heck didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
- Tom enters his usual watering hole and sits down, elbows on the bar. The bartender comes over and says, "What's the matter? I've never seen you looking so depressed."
Tom sighed and replied, "I had to shoot my dog."
The barkeep said, "Was he mad?"
Tom replied, "Well... he wasn't exactly pleased."
- Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "Well you did it last week!"
- A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
- A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
- A man called his mother in Florida.
He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not to good. I've been very weak."
She son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days.?"
She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
- An atheist was teasing Bill about his religious beliefs. "Come on now, Bill," he said. "Do you really believe that when you die you'll go up to heaven and fly around with wings? I understand it's not warm up there like where I'm going when I die. How in the world are you going to get your coat on over those wings?"
Bill replied, "The same way you are going to get your trousers over your tail."
- On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again on earth.
As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left open.
"What's the matter with you?" he said. "You born in a barn?"
- A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
- A woman's walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast *is* hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Mam, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
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