- A motorist in San Francisco was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.
- The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
- In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.
One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
- On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
- The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying...........
"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
- An old hearing impaired gentleman was visiting his doctor. The doctor just informed him warned to be careful, as he had a heart murmur.
The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?!" he inquired.
"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied. "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful!"
- After four karate lessons, Hank can now break a two-inch board with his cast!
Karate makes sense. If you practice breaking boards in half, you'll be able to protect yourself the next time a board attacks you!
Pete has a black belt in karate. It's not that he's good.
It's just that he never washed it!
Did you hear of the poor black-belt karate champ who broke his hand trying to cut a Christmas fruitcake in half?
- A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49, and was far too young to be dead.
"That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the hours you've billed, you're 119 years old."
- Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how insurmountable, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'
- A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
- Three blondes are sitting on a couch. One blonde gets up and says, "I think I have to go to the bathroom." She gets halfway there, stops and says, "Was I going to the bathroom, or was I coming from the bathroom?" The other two shake their heads and said, "What a dummy."
The other blonde gets up off the couch and says, "I think I will go to the kitchen." She gets halfway there, stops and says, "Was I going to the kitchen or was I coming from the kitchen?"
The last blonde on the couch shakes her head and says, "Boy are those two ever stupid, glad I'm not like that, knock on wood.", as she raps her knuckles on the coffee table. "Was that the back door or the front door?"
- A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that said: WARNING! ONE OF THE WATERMELONS IN THIS FIELD HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE.
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read NOW THERE ARE TWO!!!
- At COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles/gal.
" Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but what good would the car be if it crashed twice a day?"
- A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
- It was overheard that the USA Olympic Gold medal skier, Picabo Street is donating the money she gets from endorsements to the local hospital in Denver.
They are going to name a wing of the hospital after her. It will be called "Picabo, I.C.U."
- The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and hand-shaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand.
"What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."
- The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
- A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
- On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
- After spending three hours enduring the long lines, unfriendly clerks and ridiculous regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a guy stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought the gift, a baseball bat, to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash!" the guy snarled. After apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I'm sorry, I've just spent the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or, are you going back there?"
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