- After only six months of marriage, the unhappy wife made an appointment with a divorce lawyer.
"We met through a computer dating service," she said between sobs, "For the life of me, I'll never understand what that machine saw in him."
- Roger was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved into the garage. Although the couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow the lawn, take out the garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the meals and did the laundry.
Months later, Roger met his friend Don for drinks. "Things don't seem to be working out any better," Don remarked. "Why don't you move out?"
"Well, if you really want to know the truth," Roger explained, "She makes such a darn good neighbour."
- Did you hear about the office cleaning service that was fired by Microsoft? They wouldn't do windows.
- A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" the man asks.
"Ten.." says the doctor.
Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
- An engineer, a manager and a computer tech are in a car going down a steep hill when the brakes fail. The driver manages to stop the car against the side of a hill.
The manager says, "We should form a committee review the situation and make sub-committees to solve the problem."
The engineer says, "We should dismantle the brake system and locate the problem and fix it."
The computer tech says, "We should push the car to the top of the hill and see if it happens again".
- In the early fifties, when the first computer came out, only the U.S. government could afford it. The machine was so large it required an entire building just to house it.
Once the computer was in place, the Pentagon prepared to give it a test run. The top generals proposed a mock battle. They gave the computer all the information that could be pertinent in the battle: troop strength, ammunition, available equipment, time of day, etc.
After the information was entered, the generals asked the computer, "Should we attack from the north or should we attack from the East?"
The computer's lights flashed on and off. There was a steady hum and strong vibrations as it worked over the problem. After what seemed like hours, the thing printed out its solution: "Yes."
"Yes, what?" demanded one of the generals.
The computer replied, "Yes, sir!"
- A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
He says: "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't.... I put them in your tackle box!"
- Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced, "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
- The artist tried to concentrated on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
- A Navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"
The young sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."
"Where would you get the torpedo?"
"The same place you got your battleship!"
- A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, were always arguing the finer points of their respective theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong.
One day they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver. The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on it's roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed they were alive.
As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same. The Priest shouts "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"
"What?" said the Rabbi.
"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is wonderful."
"Cross myself?!? No no no. I was just checking everything was OK. 'Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch.'"
- Several years before the Gulf War, a journalist completed a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
One Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines"
- The detective was leafing through the suspect's folder. "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault, rape..."
"Yeah, I know." said the felon. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at."
- The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
- A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don`t care. Just so long as you`re out of the house by noon!"
- Question: What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a car window?
Answer: Its ass.
- Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy."
Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says if that was my bill I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."
Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to out do him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I`ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
- Jean and Mrs. Cretien go to London to see the Queen on an official State occasion. Obviously, Mr. Cretien wanted to make a good impression. In a horse drawn carriage, he was accompanied by the Queen on the way to Buckingham Palace.
Halfway down the Mall, the lead horse broke wind so ferociously that some onlookers thought that a 21 gun salute had gone off.
"I do apologize, Mr. Cretien", said the Queen, just as the smell filled the carriage.
"That's all right, your majesty" replied Cretien, "I thought it was the horse."
- It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 pieces for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Um, I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
- Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
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